Back in March, I wrote that telling a child that something is “dangerous” without any further clarification or context on the situation gives children neither actionable information about the world around them (what exactly is dangerous? Why? What might happen?) nor new ways to navigate it (what to do to avert an unsafe consequence? What is a safe choice that achieves the same goal?). I discussed how our reactions to children and the world we share with them have real material impacts on the reality they inhabit and how they interact with the environment and those around them.
In that earlier article I mostly addressed situations that apply to our waddler, toddler and preschool population. I want to return to this idea again to emphasize that it also applies to infant and non-verbal children as well. Below are two short videos that demonstrate this concept through clinical studies. The videos emphasize that when faced with uncertainty, children of all ages will look to their caregivers to determine the level of risk they face. More importantly, however, they show that when supported and given the freedom and opportunity to do so, they learn very quickly how to decide for themselves instead.
“This particular study demonstrates the roll of non-verbal communication in determining the child’s behavior in uncertain contexts. A baby will, when encountering something ambiguous, something uncertain, will typically look to the significant other, the mother, the father, a grandparent, a caregiver in order to figure out what to do.”
— Joseph Campos, PhD
University of California Berkley
“If there is no safety glass, you can test the same baby dozens and dozens and dozens of trials in the same session, and that means that you can determine for each individual infant when they think that surface is safe and when they think it’s risky within a couple of degrees of accuracy.”
In early childhood education we speak of providing “provocations” to children: challenges, prompts, or materials provided by the teacher that deepen and extend children’s learning based on the focused observation of their pursuits, interests, and curiosities. Provocations stimulate a response, a growth in thought. Provocations do not leave well-enough alone. And provocations may stir the pot, just a little. With that said, in response to my last entry, I received the following (excerpted) response:
“Growth and skill development is important at our center. We are helping them LEARN through play. If they are learning nothing, in my opinion we are failing. If they are not getting skills, in my opinion we are failing. Luckily, I don’t see this to be the case at CCB . . . The process is NOT enough. It’s an incomplete look at what we want to accomplish. We are not babysitters or televisions or books. We’re human beings that can adapt and change to a child’s needs and help guide them. If ALL we cared about was the approach and no results, we might as well be babysitters just waiting for them to grow on their own or an inanimate object for them to explore with, without guidance.”
As teachers, we are more than simple transmitters of a given knowledge or skill. We guide. We lead. We model. We do not teach empathy by giving children rote phrases to repeat at given moments. We don’t teach them to understand and express their feelings by invalidating them. We don’t teach children peaceful conflict resolution by forcing apologies. We don’t teach a child what is possible by only telling them what is prohibited. We model. We inquire. We offer language and alternatives. We create opportunities for them to do for themselves. We honor their unique way of thinking about and being in the world.
The point of last month’s essay (which may not have been sufficiently explained), is not that I, nor CCB want an unquestioning adherence to a FLIP IT script. But we do want teachers to recognize, acknowledge, and validate children’s feelings. We do want teachers to stretch their creativity to find ways to safely accommodate children’s natural drives. We do want teachers to offer children the language and awareness to solve their own problems, and understand their emotions and those of others. And we do want them to provide the guidance and limits they need to build autonomy and independence. FLIP IT is not the only way to do these things, it is rather just one way to think about, to frame, to conceptualize doing these things.
And when it comes down it FLIP IT without investment in the moment, in the role we have as mentors, guides, and teachers, is not enough. What really matters is the specific way that we do them. The tone we use, the affect we display, the words we choose, the environment we create, the measure and intensity of the limits we set and so on and on and on; and these myriad variables are all determined from moment to moment, child to child, on our own moods and mental states, the biases we bring to our interactions, and all those things known and unconscious that go into human relationships. So, I agree the method itself is not enough, it is the passion, investment and belief in what we do that brings the method to life and makes it successful at all.
By next month, CCB will be distributing a revised version of the Parent Handbook to incoming families. Most changes in the new version are minor, but I want to give some attention here to one change in particular, as it represents a shift in our policy regarding toys from home.
The previous version read unequivocally, “we ask that toys, other than books and stuffed animals, remain at home,” and made no qualification about when or how these items may be used for play or comfort each day. The updated version replaces the earlier position with the following, “we recognize that bringing items from home often helps children to transition, adjust, regulate, and extend play in unique ways throughout the day . . . please be sure that any item from home is well labeled with your child’s first and last name . . . teachers are not responsible for lost or broken items.”
To expand on this this statement just a bit, I would add that, similar to other experiences we facilitate for our kids at CCB, home toys present children from toddler to preschooler opportunities to practice personal responsibility with a , cherished item, to share their interests with peers, express their identity with unique play items, and to contribute in very individual ways to the culture of the classroom.
Home toys can also be a platform for children to engage the values that CCB holds, for teachers to model center wide expectations, and can reflect the culture at large (such as super heroes, and tv and movie characters, for example) for children under the guidance of caring adults in age and developmentally appropriate ways.
I know from experience, and want to recognize here, that there are many reasons teachers avoid welcoming home toys in class, limit their use to the start or end of the day, use them as a reward to motivate desired behaviors, or to otherwise discourage or inhibit their use under most conditions. As teachers, we put a lot of intention and passion into crafting the learning environments that drive children’s experiences each day. The environment is not simply the physical space itself, although this is of course a major factor, but also includes our curriculum continuum, weekly lesson plans, flows of the day, and the expectations that we present our kids as they grow and develop with us throughout each program year.
I will not pretend that introducing toys from home does not have the potential to interrupt this environment in a variety of ways. As this shift in policy comes into play moving forward, we might find that children gravitate to their own toys rather than the items we have chosen to engage them in purposeful learning experiences. We will likely see caution, hesitation or an inability to share unique home items leading to conflict between children. Some children will become distressed when an item is misplaced, lost, dirtied, or broken – as may some parents. We may encounter some home toys that do not represent the values and culture of the Center. And many teachers may find the unpredictability that home toys bring to the room difficult to manage.
So, I want to present some initial caveats to our home toy approach. First, to be clear, play weapons of any kind will not be allowed at CCB. I believe that there can be value and a place for weapon play for young children, and this is an idea I may return to at some point, but CCB is not a place for that play to occur. Additionally, electronic devices, including battery operated toys, should be left at home. And toys that are larger than the child, such as riding toys or oversized stuffies, will not be allowed in the room.
And although home toys may, at least initially, slightly disrupt some environments as they are currently designed, we also have the knowledge, skill, and experience to successfully incorporate them into what we already do everyday. As teachers, we encounter similar situations throughout each day and know and are trained to use these moments to support social-emotional development, conflict resolution skills, self-soothing, and regulation in children, and to provide informative support for parents.
Ultimately, home toys will become one more learning center in our overall classroom and center environment. As such, home toys will be treated with the same guidelines applied to other play items in our rooms: is it being used safely? Is it age and developmentally appropriate? is it being used at a time of day consistent with the daily routine? And as each class itself is so unique, teachers can determine how best to incorporate and utilize home toys to support children’s learning in their rooms.
For example, some may choose times of the day when home toys are available, in much the same way that centers are open and closed throughout the day. Or teachers can come up with creative ways to incorporate home toys into lesson plans and encourage children and parents to bring toys that fit a theme. Some classes may add a show-and-tell time to their flow of the day, or create a home toy center in the room, and so on.
However they are used, I know that as this approach to home toys is embraced in the coming months and into the next program year, together we can ensure that home toys are one more tool we use to provide children with play, learning and developmental experiences that fit and flow with every other aspect of our day that embodies our CCB way.
Teachers and parents, if you have questions about this shift, or would like guidance or support in incorporating home toys into the day, or preparing your children to bring items to school, or anything else, please reach out to your Cluster Support person, Susan or myself.
As always, this is a dialogue, please share your thoughts, questions, comments, anecdotes, or disagreements.
As we have all collectively begun to settle into the 2024-2025 program year, you will notice that new information will be coming to you from school about what your children are doing and learning in their classrooms. Teachers and children alike have begun to settle into a new routine, are starting to build relationships and trust, and are beginning to understand a little more about each other.
Many teachers have already begun to make observations about the children in their care. Their likes, dislikes, interests, motivations, personalities and fears (bugs and loud noises are often the first ones noticed as we’ve had two fire drills since the year began).
If observations are the basis of all that we do, then you cannot talk about routines and lesson plans without talking about these observations. During our August Staff In-service Day, classroom teachers were challenged to think about many iterations and meanings of WHY. To think about WHY we do what we do. WHY we struggle with what we do. WHY we put furniture, manipulatives, toys, books, tools, tables where we do. WHY we teach what we do. WHY we are even teachers in the first place. A huge part of discussing this WHY was really returning to observing the children in their care.
As children and teachers get to know each other you may notice that the classroom routine changes. Maybe they started in early September by going outside early in the morning, but as the year continues it gets a little later. The WHY may be as simple as the weather and light living in Western New York as we do. Or that our beloved specials such as music, gym and art are added and need to be accommodated. As children and teachers get to know and trust one another they will continue to settle into their routine. Classroom schedules are not posted yet in individual rooms but will be soon as teachers decide (while observing the children) what is and is not working for them at this moment.
Lesson Plans are starting the week of October 7th. We try very hard to make sure that every Friday you receive your “Week in Review” from your child’s classroom so that you are aware of the books, songs and activities that fill your child’s day. Please also take the time to familiarize yourself with the location of this in your child’s room on the Parent Board. Teachers take the time to document briefly what we do every day so that you can have that meaningful “car” or “dinner table” discussion that is able to go deeper beyond “What did you do today?”.
As teachers are deciding their lesson plans, they must document the WHY am I teaching THIS topic to THIS group of children at this TIME. This information often comes from the observations of the children in the space. Maybe they read a book for circle last week that really resonated with the children, so much so that they have been observed acting out or saying parts of the book. Maybe there was a center wide event (like AppleFest or the Pumpkin Patch) that has filled them with excitement, curiosity or passion. In the older rooms, teachers often solicit ideas from the children themselves, “What do you want to learn about this year?”
Simultaneously, teachers are also thinking about both the Developmental and Concept Curriculums that CCB references back to. As educators, it is our job to be aware of children’s development and here at CCB we focus on 5 areas: Large Motor/Small Motor, Self-Help, Cognitive, Language and Social-Emotional. As teachers are getting to know the children in their care, they are making more direct observations and asking themselves questions, such as: Have I seen this group or this child use scissors? Count objects? Recognize patterns? Comment on an object? Discuss why something happens? Tell a story? These questions help focus a Lesson Plan. Remember that Lesson Plans at CCB do not need to have every single activity tie back to the selected theme. This is where looking at these areas of development are extremely important and valuable.
Hopefully this brief discussion of observations, routine and lesson plans help you see how everything is connected: how your child’s teachers work with their knowledge of child development and the observations of the children in the classrooms to create Lesson Plans and a routine that supports and allows everyone to thrive.
If you find yourself with specific questions about your child’s classroom or anything else from this introduction, please feel free to reach out to your Cluster Support (Rylie or Brianna) as well as Efrim and Susan.
In her book The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, Wendy Mogel tells the story of American researchers Dana Davidson’s and Joseph Tobin’s visit to Komatsudani Hoikuen, a Buddhist preschool in Kyoto, Japan while conducting field research into cross-cultural differences in the socialization of young children. On the day of their visit, they had the opportunity to observe the behavior of 4 year old Hiroki, a child some might call spirited or exuberant, and others might call difficult or challenging depending on the frame of reference, experience, and underlying philosophy informing one’s approach to the care of young children. To convey the scope of Hiroki’s behavior, I will quote at length from the researcher’s description in the resulting study published as Preschool in Three Cultures: Japan, Chinaand the United States:
Hiroki started things off with a flourish by pulling his penis out from under the leg of his shorts and waving it at the class during the morning welcome song. During the workbook session that followed, Hiroki called out the answers to every question the teacherasked and to many she did not ask. When not volunteering answers, Hiroki gave a loud running commentary on his workbook progress: “Now I’m coloring the badger, now the pig.” He alternated his play-by-play announcing with occasional songs, entertaining the class with loud accurate renditions of their favorite cartoon themes, complete with accompanying dancing, gestures, and occasional instrumental flourishes . . . During the course of the day, Hiroki started many fights, stepped on a girl’s hand and disrupted agame by throwing flash cards over the railing to the ground below.
Let’s pause here to consider what our own responses to Hiroki might be. As a teacher, how would you address Hiroki’s behavior if he were a student in your classroom? As a parent of a child who behaved as Hiroki is described, what would you do if you received this report at pick-up time, and how would you have liked his teachers to have responded? As a parent of a child in Hiroki’s class, how would you have hoped Hiroki’s behavior was managed if your child came home and told you about these exploits? Hiroki’s actions are, we know, pretty natural impulses for a 4-year-old, and so these kinds of behaviors are not by any means uncommon in many pre-school environments. At CCB, we have a number of tools that we might use in response to behaviors such as Hiroki’s, (and even if such behaviors were escalated to include things like pulling toys off shelves and dumping them, throwing materials around the room or at each other; climbing and jumping from furniture; running and pushing, or breaking materials, and so on).
As an starting point, we would examine the total environment, including teacher expectations, routine of the day, to ensure it is meeting the child’s needs. Is the room over-or under-stimulating? Does the room arrangement invite the behaviors (large corridors to encourage running, areas too close together an causing crowing)? Are the expectations that teachers are placing on the class as a whole, and the individual child in particular, realistic and age and developmentally appropriate? Are the relationships between the teachers and the child secure and established?
As an initial tactic in the moment, however, we might use the emotionally validating FLIP IT approach (if you did not read my brief introduction to FLIP IT in the March newsletter, you can find it here). If the child’s behavior continued to be unsafe throughout the day regardless of the intervention strategy used, we might call in extra support as a shadow for the child, or to take him from the classroom for a walk outside to “reset” before returning. And if such disruptive and unsafe behaviors continued over time, we might invite guidance from a consultant at the Child Care Council, who would spend time observing and coaching teachers in their approaches.
As our intervention strategies continued, we may develop an individualized behavior plan to support the child while establishing some clear limits for her. Depending on a host of other variables, we might recommend that the child is assessed for developmental delays, sensory issues, or other underlying causes for the behaviors. Or ultimately, in rare situations, parents, teachers, and directors may reach the conclusion that a different learning environment may better meet the child’s needs than CCB can.
Each family’s culture is of course unique, and parents’ responses to behaviors like Hiroki’s will differ from home to home, and even from parent to parent within the home. Nonetheless it is safe to say that a parent will always bring the culmination of their own knowledge, experiences, cultural locations, and the conscious and unconscious so-called ghosts and angels in the nursery to any decision they make regarding a child in Hiroki place. And on the other hand, I have seen reactions from parents of other children in a classroom facing behaviors like Hiroki’s range from a kind of amused neutrality to extreme perturbation and calling for accountability from the other child’s parents or demanding dismissal from the class, and everything in-between.
Whatever you considered your response to be, it seems unlikely that anyone’s response was that they would do . . . well, nothing at all. Yet this is exactly what the teacher in the room at the time did. She neither reprimanded nor re-directed Hiroki; she remained impassive and calm but did not intervene in any of the various conflicts or transgressions that Hiroki initiated.
Discussing the event afterword, the research team described that it was at times difficult for them to remain neutral observers and recorders of the events; their instinctive impulse was to set aside their roles as researchers and instead to insert themselves into the children’s conflicts, as much for Horoki’s safety as that of the other students. An impulse they note, born of entrenched biases about how children should behave and what a preschool classroom should be like, despite being researchers in the field.
When asked about her lack of response in a subsequent interview, the teacher, Fukui-sensi, cited a list of some of the important lessons Hiroki was himself learning, and that behaviors like Hiroki’s (when neither too extreme nor too dangerous) can teach other children. She spoke of the opportunities he offered others to practice new and emerging social skills in response to his play and conflict style. “Rather than seeing Hiroki as a problem,” Mogel writes, the teacher “valued his presence in the classroom because she believed that Hiroki provided the other children with opportunities to learn . . . how to concentrate when there are distractions, how to defend yourself, and how to manage conflicts without the intervention of a teacher,” or another adult.
The underlying premise of Mogel’s book is that children should be more fully and independently engaged in making decisions regarding their own education based on their own priorities and according their own interests, passions, and curiosities. The chapter cited here specifically addresses conflict and conflict resolution. If we do not allow children the opportunity to manage challenging situations themselves, without engineering outcomes for them, if we do not allow them to fail, or choose badly, and learn from those mistakes, and for children to learn from the direct and immediate feedback from peers, Mogel suggests, we are denying them poignant opportunities to develop the internal skills to do so as they grow.
Returning the books thesis, Mogel notes “Fukui-sensi gave up her own control in order to put control in the hands of her students.” And she follows this by challenging her readers to ask themselves, “are you ready to challenge your child to courageously solve their own problems?”
Last month, I shared Wendy Mogel’s reflections about allowing children to manage their own conflicts with no or minimal intervention from teachers or other adults. When we forfeit some of our control in this and other areas of young children’s education, Mogel posits, we provide them valuable opportunities to develop, grow, and strengthen the self-awareness and internal tools to do so themselves throughout their lives.
Forfeiting some of our control does not require that we remove ourselves completely. The steps below outline a process that puts children in the driver’s seat but still scaffolded and supported by adults. These steps are similar to FLIP IT (although without the clever acronym) in that they are an attempt to clarify and codify what happens in various ways and to varying degrees in classrooms and homes throughout the Center each day. Unlike FLIP IT, however, which in a non-linear check-list of considerations to make when children are in moments of conflict or dysregulation (several of which are the same as discussed here), this is a concrete step-by-step process that supports children through conflict with peers in a manner that also honors and helps children build autonomy.
The steps are: 1) Observe – lay back and see what happens, step in only when necessary for safety or if invited. 2) Clarify – make sure you understand what even is at stake in the conflict. 3) Narrate – repeat and confirm what you understand is happening. 4) Question – ask open-ended questions that can prompt children to find their own solutions. 5) Suggest – as a last resort, propose concrete solutions, present options and allow for further negotiation.
1) Observe: Many conflicts between children will resolve quickly without intervention, sometimes to the satisfaction of both children, sometimes leaving one or even both children disappointed or with hurt feelings. Remember that our role is not to protect or insulate children from uncomfortable emotions, but rather to help them develop the skills and awareness to manage and process them when they arise. So before stepping in as soon as you hear voices raised, hold back and see what unfolds naturally between the children first. Give them a chance to surprise with novel solutions of their own. If the conflict ends with one or both children upset, follow up to help them develop the skills to identify and persevere through difficult emotions like disappointment, frustration, jealousy, or anger. Step in only when a child is cuing to you that the conflict is on the verge of becoming physical, (or as soon as it becomes physical if you are unable to intervene preventatively); or when the emotions of one of all the children become too big for them to remain regulated in their feelings (they are no longer using words and are just screaming at each other), or when one or all the children are signaling that they are stuck and cannot find a way forward (each child insists back an forth a toy is “’mine’ . . . ‘no mine’ . . . ‘nooo miiine’ . . .”).
2) Clarify: Very often children in conflict are not really having the same argument at all, and the simple act of clarifying the position that each child is taking brings the conflict to an end. When you identify the need to intervene, use a level tone, there is no need to use a raised alarmed voice. Simply speaking one or both of the children’s names is usually enough to break the moment and prevent further escalation. Get down to their level. If the moment is becoming or about to become physical, place an arm between the children, this is usually enough to create a safe separation between them. If the conflict is over an item, and each child is trying to wrest it from the other, you can place your hand on the item, or let them know that you will hold on to it for the moment. Wait for children to voluntarily give you the item, explain to them what your intentions are, and why they need to give it to you. Do not pull the item from the children, or from a child who has taken something from another, by doing so we reinforce the idea that if you are bigger, stronger, or have authority, it is OK to take things by force. In conflicts over play items, let children know that it is not important who had the item first (in many cases you will not know), but that we need to find out who will use it now.
Once you have inserted yourself into the conflict, ask each child in turn what is happening. Let each child know that you will listen to each of them one at a time. If there are other children observing the conflict that want to share what they witnessed, ask the children in conflict if you can listen to them share also, or tell them that you would like to. Allow each child to share their version of events without taking any position regarding the veracity of their descriptions. If you observed something yourself, you may share that with them also. Ask follow-up and clarifying questions.
The goal in this step is not to determine the “truth,” but rather to determine what each child wants or is upset about, and if they are actually understanding each other. Often when we help children to express what they are upset about we find that, just as is often the case with adults, the disagreement is rooted misunderstanding and miscommunication. I am reminded of an episode from early in my career in which two girls playing “sister” were excluding a third girl from the game because there were only two sisters in their play family. When I asked the third girl if she wanted to be a sister, she replied, somewhat exasperatedly, “No! I want to be a cat!” Hearing that, the other two girls replied excitedly “Ohhhhh! You can be our pet!”
3) Narrate: As each child is describing their version of events, or the nature of the conflict, repeat what you are hearing back to them. This shows the speaker that you have really heard them, and in hearing, validate and respect what they are sharing with you. This also gives you the opportunity to provide and model additional language that children can use to express themselves. It begins to provide connections between the physiological response they are experiencing and the words they can use to describe the sensations as emotions. So instead of “bad” or “not good,” we can suggest that the child feels angry, or frustrated , or jealous. And we can point out how feelings are registered in their expression and comportment, and in that of their peers. In narrating what we are hearing, we also mediate the statement between the children who may more easily listen to an adult than the friend they are in conflict with at the time. This step also ensures that we understand the nature of the conflict and gives children the chance to correct any misunderstanding on our part.
If the children have already separated, you can speak to each in turn, and ask them if they would like to tell the other how they are feeling. If they are hesitant to, assure them that you can help them if they want. When offered help in expressing themselves, most children will accept, but if they refuse, or are not ready yet, or if the other child is still in their feelings and not ready to hear, respect their choices, and let them know that you will check with them again a little later, and make sure that do.
4. Question: When you have gathered information, acknowledged and validated each child’s version of events, and their feelings, and the children are still willing to continue the process, you can begin to ask open-ended questions prompting them to think about solutions. “What can we do now?” “You both want to play with the yellow bus, how can we solve this?” “What do you want to happen next?” It will be tempting to provide leading questions, or to rely on yes or no questions to expedite the resolution. The time to provide solutions will follow in the next step. At this point, we are giving the children the opportunity to negotiate their own terms.
It is possible that by this point in the process the children themselves may have already moved on from the ill feelings and the conflict itself. They may have decided for themselves that they would rather choose a different activity or toy or place to sit etc. If this is the case, allow them to make that choice. Allowing space for them to set their own priorities is a resolution in itself. If they are still with you however, when a suggestion is made by one child, check with the other to see if the term is acceptable to them. If not, continue the process until an agreement can be reached. When children grow into and learn this process, they can be highly invested in making it work. I have sat with children for as long as 20-25 minutes while ideas were hashed out between them. So often what is important to them is not so much the end result, but that they were given the choice and freedom to work their way to it. We have all seen children fighting over a toy, and going back and forth to decide who will use it first, and when both children agree that the first child will use the toy for 5 minutes and then pass it to the other, the first ends up passing the toy along in about 30 seconds. And at that point the other child may not even desire the item any longer.
5. Suggest: Finally, if you have helped children through the previous steps without an adequate resolution, we can ask the children if they would like to hear your ideas. It is possible that they do not, especially once they are familiar with this style of negotiating. Respect this choice if this is the case. It is also possible that your ideas do not work for one or both children. At which point, you can join the negotiations with them. It is not uncommon for other children to be near and observing what is happening. It is OK to get them involved, ask them for their ideas also. Only when you decern that the moment has ended in a stalemate and the process cannot go any further, should you arbitrate a solution yourself.
This can be a drawn out, and somewhat laborious process for children and adults, and it requires a kind of concentrated attention that may not always seem practical in a classroom setting. And, of course, how this process unfolds for 2 year olds will look differently than with 5 year olds. But, in my experience, when we lay the foundation for this kind of process with the 2 year olds, by time they are 4 or 5, they often do not even need the guidance of an adult to help them work through it. Which, of course, is exactly what we want for them.
As a final note, although parents may not find as many occasions to deploy this strategy in the home, a version of this process can be used when there are disagreements between yourself and your child also. Next month I will provide some strategies for negotiating with young children in a way that empowers them to advocate for themselves while also finding a healthy balance between more permissive and more authoritative parenting styles.
As we enter this Holiday Season as adults who work with children and are the parents of children, we are doubly blessed. We get not only to relive the magic and wonder of these times through the eyes of the children whose lives we share, but we also are able to help create this magic for and with them.
When we consider the Holidays through the eyes of children, though, there is another side to think of, the sheer overwhelm of it all. Houses look “the prettiest”, there are many decorations and baubles we’re “not supposed to touch”, schedules are all off, we are often up later, we are eating different foods, our houses are loud and filled with people with booming voices. Some of these people who we in our child minds might consider “strangers” are being called “family”. People we know and people we don’t know are commenting on our bodies “How big you’ve gotten this year,” and our looks “How handsome like your father you are.”
Here at CCB, we strongly believe in teaching children about their bodies and encouraging them to have autonomy over their own body and what their bodies are telling them. From toilet learning to listening to a peer’s words when they say, “Stop touching me,” these are all lessons about bodily autonomy. When I first got into childcare, I didn’t really think much about bodily autonomy and children to be honest. Most of my education, although richly based on philosophical underpinnings and pedagogical understanding, didn’t give me a solid foundation of the realities and honesty of young children and what I would encounter. At my second center, a child very loudly yelled from the bathroom one day, “My vagina is on fire!”. I was simultaneously stunned and proud. That was not a sentence I imagined a three-year-old using- and I instantly knew what she was trying to tell me.
Then, in my mid 20’s, having a personal experience with my own bodily autonomy being violated, I became even more hyper-aware of all the ways that we as adults may, unknowingly, undermine and violate children’s insistence on their own bodily autonomy. For any adult, especially a parent or a teacher, that is a very stark and heavy awareness. I encourage you to watch this brief video from Parenting Gently As a teacher of 4-year-olds specifically, I started to really be aware of how little control they had in their day-to-day lives – and how desperately they wanted and needed it. I started to see the little signs, children who would just pass a toy over to a demanding peer to avoid a fight, children whose grandparents picked them up after a long absence and they’d just wince in their arms as they were hugged, and I vowed to learn and teach better.
There are so many little things we can do in our daily encounters with children to help them feel confident not only in their bodies, but by speaking about their bodies. From modeling with clear language when you see something, “Leon, it looks like your body is feeling very squeezy at circle. You can always go move to another spot with more room,” or “I know you’ve missed your sister all day, but her body is showing you that she doesn’t want a hug right now. Do you see how she is shaking her head and putting her arms out?”
This also means doing this with your family members during the Holidays. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends and other family members may be gregarious, loud and physically affectionate, but your child may not be. When we tell children that they must or they have to hug, kiss or otherwise show physical affection to others, especially adults, we are giving them the message that adults have more ownership of their bodies than they do. By saying things like, “Grandma will be sad if you don’t hug her before she leaves,” we are not only shaming children, but we are telling them that not only are Grandma’s feelings their responsibility, which they are unequivocally not, but that they have to use their bodies to make adults feel good.
Why teach self regulation? We all encounter situations that can test our limits. If we are able to recognize when we are becoming less regulated, we can take steps to recognize, validate and manage our feelings and guide ourself to a healthy place. For some this skill comes more naturally, while for others it takes more attention, support and practice. That is the goal of The Zones of Regulation. To make feelings easier to talk about, think about, and regulate, The Zones of Regulation organize our feelings, state of alertness, and energy levels into four colored zones- Blue, Green, Yellow, and Red.
The BLUE zone describes low states of alertness and down feelings, such as when a person feels bored, hurt, sick, tired, exhausted, or sad. Our energy is low with possible body signals including: heavy limbs, moving slowly, slow heartbeat, foggy head. When in the BLUE zone we can regulate by seeking (or co-regulate by OFFERING) comfort, energizing, or resting. The common theme is to notice our lower energy and/or down feelings and recognizing appropriate options for managing them.
The GREEN zone describes a calm, alert state, such as when a person feels calm, happy, content (ok), focused, proud, or relaxed. Our nervous system feels safe, organized, and connected with possible body signals including: relaxed muscles, comfortable body temperature, focused/engaged brain. When in the GREEN zone we can regulate by using tools and sports that keep us moving forward comfortably, such as choosing to eat a healthy snack, exercise, taking a break or pause for a mindful moment.
The YELLOW zone describes when our energy is higher, our emotions get a little stronger, and we may start experiencing frustration, worry, excitement, silliness, confusion. Our nervous system may feel overwhelmed, stressed, energetic with possible body signals including: wiggly, heart beating faster, body warming up, tense muscles, faster thoughts. When in the YELLOW zone we can regulate to manage energy and feelings as they get stronger through the use of mindfulness tools (such as breathing, mediation, counting and physical exercise) and taking time to pause, step away if needed, and taking a break before returning to the activity.
The RED zone describes a state of extremely high energy and intense, very overwhelming feelings such as elation, anger, intense terror, devastation, and rage. Our nervous system is in an extremely heightened start of alertness that potentially triggers our fight, flights, freeze or flee protective response with possible body signals including: faster heartbeat, flushed skin, hot/sweating, tense muscles. When in the RED zone we can regulate by pausing and assessing a situation (such as counting to 10 before we act, talking through the situation with a trusted friend or advisor) in order to gain a sense of control of our strong feelings and high energy.
The Zones of Regulation is a simple and common language that can be used to understand, talk about, and teach regulation. It can be adapted to any age and setting and is beneficial to all.
How can I use this at home and/or in the classroom?
Talk through the different zones with your child(ren) and ask them how they feel in each zone.
What emotions do they feel?
What physical sensations do\ they feel? (For example, “I feel hot and my heart beats faster when someone takes the toy that I wanted to use.”)
Discuss how every zone is ok and find different ways to help regulate (remember EVERY child and person is different and while some find yoga stretches and breathing techniques helpful others might benefit from time for reading, music, or taking part in an art activity).
Feelings can be incredibly complicated and difficult to label but are always valid. We routinely find ourselves falling within several different zones throughout each day and every zone is OK. In acknowledging, accepting, and supporting each zone of feelings, we are learning and teaching that every emotion is normal and ok to feel.
In February’s newsletter, we briefly discussed transitions and why they routinely prove to be difficult for young children and their caretakers. This included reasons ranging anywhere from brain development to expectations to ways that we as adults may be working against the children in our lives as we help them navigate these critical moments of their day. However, just as it is best practice to give our children guidance on what to do versus what not to do, providing reasons why transitions may be challenging without any tangible solutions to help make them easier is counterintuitive. Below, you’ll find tools and strategies, many of which overlap or happen simultaneously, that could help ease any stress and tension that may be characteristic of the daily transitions in your homes and classrooms.
Plan ahead & prepare your child/children with visual aids: prepping children for an upcoming transition is one of the ways you can best mitigate adverse reactions or resistance to transitioning to a new activity or task. While there are many strategies you can implement depending on your child’s age, development, and personality, visuals are one of the easiest and most effective ways to help children prepare for what is ahead. Providing visual cues before and during a transition will help ground a child, especially when transitioning from a preferred activity. Visual cues could be a graphic of what is next, a timer for when the current activity will conclude, social stories, etc. Paired with developmentally appropriate verbal warnings and previews, visual aids can be instrumental in setting the foundation for a smoother transition.
Examine your expectations: Reflecting on what our expectations are and if they are realistic for the child/children with whom we are transitioning can help to determine whether or not the idea we have of how a transition should look is a practical one. For instance, an 18-month-old will likely be unable to follow multi step directions; a three-year-old may be overwhelmed by the task of choosing one book from a shelf of dozens; a child with high sensory input needs may not be able to transition from kinetic sand to Circle Time without assistance.
Communicate expectations to children (in a developmentally appropriate way): Once you’ve ensured that your own expectations are realistic, communicating them is imperative. Making sure you have a child’s attention by removing distractions, remaining consistent in developmentally appropriate language, and talking in advance about any upcoming or unexpected changes to a routine or expectation are all crucial facets in effective communication. Another simple strategy is “first/then” language. For example, “First we brush our teeth, then we read the bedtime story,” uses simple language to indicate what the expected step is before a desired activity. Pre-corrections and consistent reminders of an expected behavior before a transition begins, are also proactive approaches in guiding a child from one activity to the next.
Create a Routine: Children crave structure and rely on the adults in their lives to provide it. Knowing that someone they trust is in control provides them with the safety and security necessary to take risks, build confidence, and learn through play. Some of the uneasiness surrounding transitions is often from a lack of routine, or a routine that has not been communicated in a way they understand and can anticipate. When creating and implementing a routine, especially for some of the more dreaded transitions, try to include children as much as possible, whether that is creating a visual schedule together to hang on the wall, or finding a fun way for them to be included in dinner prep. Providing structured choice throughout a transition will also help a child feel in control and fosters independence within the structure of an established routine. Once a routine is created, practicing it ahead of time, when possible, will help promote consistency, provide the opportunity for a child to practice expected behaviors, and provide adults the chance to monitor, role-model skills, and give implicit and explicit instruction.
Don’t make children wait: once a routine is established, children are prepared, expectations are communicated, and the time has come to transition, don’t make them wait. Doing so will create resistance, avoidance, distraction, and any number of undesirable behaviors while children seek to entertain themselves or otherwise try to make sense of what is expected of them when the reality doesn’t align with what they were told to anticipate. Try not to be too distracted that you don’t notice when the timer goes off; make sure that art project supplies are prepared before Circle Time is over; do you know where their shoes are? Eliminating or reducing wait time takes follow-through and intentionality on the part of the adults, but can pay off in dividends.
Transitions are often notoriously dreaded by children and adults alike. Given the stress, anxiety, and disruption that is often associated with them, it is no wonder that children and their caregivers frequently anticipate transitions with varying degrees of apprehension. No matter our feelings towards them however, and despite the need to eliminate unnecessary ones throughout a child’s day, transitions cannot and should not be entirely avoided. Instead, if our goal is to help fashion confident, emotionally intelligent children (and it is), the best things we can do are to understand the “why” behind difficult transitions, identify ways in which we may be contributing to their difficulty, and equip the children in our lives with the tools and strategies necessary to successfully navigate them.
There could be any number of external factors that make transitions difficult at any given time, many of which are thankfully in our control, and which will we visit in our next newsletter. However, at the heart of the issue is that when we ask a child to transition, we are asking much more from them than we may realize. Transitions intrinsically engage the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which is primarily responsible for executive function, and transitions demand a tremendous amount of executive functioning. Transitions even to a preferred activity require a child to focus, manage external and internal stimuli, redirect attention, control impulses, regulate emotion, shift arousal states (ex: going from an active to calm activity), and depending on their age and the specific transition, process and prioritize directions.
These demands are only exacerbated by the fact that we may be inadvertently working against our children, rather than with them in these pivotal moments. When we as adults enter a transition, especially one which has been historically more challenging, with developmentally unrealistic expectations, or expectations that are communicated in a way a child cannot developmentally understand and process, the transition is bound to be difficult. Furthermore, lack of guidance, warning, or preparation, especially when a child is engaging in a preferred activity will all contribute to unease or uncertainty of what comes next.
What often results are behaviors that may ostensibly appear to some as willful defiance or a simple refusal to cooperate, but are often (but not always) an indication that a developing brain may not have been properly guided or supported by the surrounding environment. This may manifest as avoidance (a child seeming to ignore you), resistance (a child refusing), distraction (an attempt to distract others or themselves by engaging in an activity unrelated to the transition), negotiation, stalling, or extreme heightened emotions.
If we perhaps reframe the way we think of these behaviors and consider them as a form of communication, we may actually empower both ourselves and our children. They may be developmentally incapable of negotiating transitions entirely on their own without proper tools and guidance, but thankfully they don’t have to.
