Written by Efrim C.
Last month, I shared Wendy Mogel’s reflections about allowing children to manage their own conflicts with no or minimal intervention from teachers or other adults. When we forfeit some of our control in this and other areas of young children’s education, Mogel posits, we provide them valuable opportunities to develop, grow, and strengthen the self-awareness and internal tools to do so themselves throughout their lives.
Forfeiting some of our control does not require that we remove ourselves completely. The steps below outline a process that puts children in the driver’s seat but still scaffolded and supported by adults. These steps are similar to FLIP IT (although without the clever acronym) in that they are an attempt to clarify and codify what happens in various ways and to varying degrees in classrooms and homes throughout the Center each day. Unlike FLIP IT, however, which in a non-linear check-list of considerations to make when children are in moments of conflict or dysregulation (several of which are the same as discussed here), this is a concrete step-by-step process that supports children through conflict with peers in a manner that also honors and helps children build autonomy.
The steps are: 1) Observe – lay back and see what happens, step in only when necessary for safety or if invited. 2) Clarify – make sure you understand what even is at stake in the conflict. 3) Narrate – repeat and confirm what you understand is happening. 4) Question – ask open-ended questions that can prompt children to find their own solutions. 5) Suggest – as a last resort, propose concrete solutions, present options and allow for further negotiation.
1) Observe: Many conflicts between children will resolve quickly without intervention, sometimes to the satisfaction of both children, sometimes leaving one or even both children disappointed or with hurt feelings. Remember that our role is not to protect or insulate children from uncomfortable emotions, but rather to help them develop the skills and awareness to manage and process them when they arise. So before stepping in as soon as you hear voices raised, hold back and see what unfolds naturally between the children first. Give them a chance to surprise with novel solutions of their own. If the conflict ends with one or both children upset, follow up to help them develop the skills to identify and persevere through difficult emotions like disappointment, frustration, jealousy, or anger. Step in only when a child is cuing to you that the conflict is on the verge of becoming physical, (or as soon as it becomes physical if you are unable to intervene preventatively); or when the emotions of one of all the children become too big for them to remain regulated in their feelings (they are no longer using words and are just screaming at each other), or when one or all the children are signaling that they are stuck and cannot find a way forward (each child insists back an forth a toy is “’mine’ . . . ‘no mine’ . . . ‘nooo miiine’ . . .”).
2) Clarify: Very often children in conflict are not really having the same argument at all, and the simple act of clarifying the position that each child is taking brings the conflict to an end. When you identify the need to intervene, use a level tone, there is no need to use a raised alarmed voice. Simply speaking one or both of the children’s names is usually enough to break the moment and prevent further escalation. Get down to their level. If the moment is becoming or about to become physical, place an arm between the children, this is usually enough to create a safe separation between them. If the conflict is over an item, and each child is trying to wrest it from the other, you can place your hand on the item, or let them know that you will hold on to it for the moment. Wait for children to voluntarily give you the item, explain to them what your intentions are, and why they need to give it to you. Do not pull the item from the children, or from a child who has taken something from another, by doing so we reinforce the idea that if you are bigger, stronger, or have authority, it is OK to take things by force. In conflicts over play items, let children know that it is not important who had the item first (in many cases you will not know), but that we need to find out who will use it now.
Once you have inserted yourself into the conflict, ask each child in turn what is happening. Let each child know that you will listen to each of them one at a time. If there are other children observing the conflict that want to share what they witnessed, ask the children in conflict if you can listen to them share also, or tell them that you would like to. Allow each child to share their version of events without taking any position regarding the veracity of their descriptions. If you observed something yourself, you may share that with them also. Ask follow-up and clarifying questions.
The goal in this step is not to determine the “truth,” but rather to determine what each child wants or is upset about, and if they are actually understanding each other. Often when we help children to express what they are upset about we find that, just as is often the case with adults, the disagreement is rooted misunderstanding and miscommunication. I am reminded of an episode from early in my career in which two girls playing “sister” were excluding a third girl from the game because there were only two sisters in their play family. When I asked the third girl if she wanted to be a sister, she replied, somewhat exasperatedly, “No! I want to be a cat!” Hearing that, the other two girls replied excitedly “Ohhhhh! You can be our pet!”
3) Narrate: As each child is describing their version of events, or the nature of the conflict, repeat what you are hearing back to them. This shows the speaker that you have really heard them, and in hearing, validate and respect what they are sharing with you. This also gives you the opportunity to provide and model additional language that children can use to express themselves. It begins to provide connections between the physiological response they are experiencing and the words they can use to describe the sensations as emotions. So instead of “bad” or “not good,” we can suggest that the child feels angry, or frustrated , or jealous. And we can point out how feelings are registered in their expression and comportment, and in that of their peers. In narrating what we are hearing, we also mediate the statement between the children who may more easily listen to an adult than the friend they are in conflict with at the time. This step also ensures that we understand the nature of the conflict and gives children the chance to correct any misunderstanding on our part.
If the children have already separated, you can speak to each in turn, and ask them if they would like to tell the other how they are feeling. If they are hesitant to, assure them that you can help them if they want. When offered help in expressing themselves, most children will accept, but if they refuse, or are not ready yet, or if the other child is still in their feelings and not ready to hear, respect their choices, and let them know that you will check with them again a little later, and make sure that do.
4. Question: When you have gathered information, acknowledged and validated each child’s version of events, and their feelings, and the children are still willing to continue the process, you can begin to ask open-ended questions prompting them to think about solutions. “What can we do now?” “You both want to play with the yellow bus, how can we solve this?” “What do you want to happen next?” It will be tempting to provide leading questions, or to rely on yes or no questions to expedite the resolution. The time to provide solutions will follow in the next step. At this point, we are giving the children the opportunity to negotiate their own terms.
It is possible that by this point in the process the children themselves may have already moved on from the ill feelings and the conflict itself. They may have decided for themselves that they would rather choose a different activity or toy or place to sit etc. If this is the case, allow them to make that choice. Allowing space for them to set their own priorities is a resolution in itself. If they are still with you however, when a suggestion is made by one child, check with the other to see if the term is acceptable to them. If not, continue the process until an agreement can be reached. When children grow into and learn this process, they can be highly invested in making it work. I have sat with children for as long as 20-25 minutes while ideas were hashed out between them. So often what is important to them is not so much the end result, but that they were given the choice and freedom to work their way to it. We have all seen children fighting over a toy, and going back and forth to decide who will use it first, and when both children agree that the first child will use the toy for 5 minutes and then pass it to the other, the first ends up passing the toy along in about 30 seconds. And at that point the other child may not even desire the item any longer.
5. Suggest: Finally, if you have helped children through the previous steps without an adequate resolution, we can ask the children if they would like to hear your ideas. It is possible that they do not, especially once they are familiar with this style of negotiating. Respect this choice if this is the case. It is also possible that your ideas do not work for one or both children. At which point, you can join the negotiations with them. It is not uncommon for other children to be near and observing what is happening. It is OK to get them involved, ask them for their ideas also. Only when you decern that the moment has ended in a stalemate and the process cannot go any further, should you arbitrate a solution yourself.
This can be a drawn out, and somewhat laborious process for children and adults, and it requires a kind of concentrated attention that may not always seem practical in a classroom setting. And, of course, how this process unfolds for 2 year olds will look differently than with 5 year olds. But, in my experience, when we lay the foundation for this kind of process with the 2 year olds, by time they are 4 or 5, they often do not even need the guidance of an adult to help them work through it. Which, of course, is exactly what we want for them.
As a final note, although parents may not find as many occasions to deploy this strategy in the home, a version of this process can be used when there are disagreements between yourself and your child also. Next month I will provide some strategies for negotiating with young children in a way that empowers them to advocate for themselves while also finding a healthy balance between more permissive and more authoritative parenting styles.
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