Written by Amanda McFaul
As we enter this Holiday Season as adults who work with children and are the parents of children, we are doubly blessed. We get not only to relive the magic and wonder of these times through the eyes of the children whose lives we share, but we also are able to help create this magic for and with them.
When we consider the Holidays through the eyes of children, though, there is another side to think of, the sheer overwhelm of it all. Houses look “the prettiest”, there are many decorations and baubles we’re “not supposed to touch”, schedules are all off, we are often up later, we are eating different foods, our houses are loud and filled with people with booming voices. Some of these people who we in our child minds might consider “strangers” are being called “family”. People we know and people we don’t know are commenting on our bodies “How big you’ve gotten this year,” and our looks “How handsome like your father you are.”
Here at CCB, we strongly believe in teaching children about their bodies and encouraging them to have autonomy over their own body and what their bodies are telling them. From toilet learning to listening to a peer’s words when they say, “Stop touching me,” these are all lessons about bodily autonomy. When I first got into childcare, I didn’t really think much about bodily autonomy and children to be honest. Most of my education, although richly based on philosophical underpinnings and pedagogical understanding, didn’t give me a solid foundation of the realities and honesty of young children and what I would encounter. At my second center, a child very loudly yelled from the bathroom one day, “My vagina is on fire!”. I was simultaneously stunned and proud. That was not a sentence I imagined a three-year-old using- and I instantly knew what she was trying to tell me.
Then, in my mid 20’s, having a personal experience with my own bodily autonomy being violated, I became even more hyper-aware of all the ways that we as adults may, unknowingly, undermine and violate children’s insistence on their own bodily autonomy. For any adult, especially a parent or a teacher, that is a very stark and heavy awareness. I encourage you to watch this brief video from Parenting Gently As a teacher of 4-year-olds specifically, I started to really be aware of how little control they had in their day-to-day lives – and how desperately they wanted and needed it. I started to see the little signs, children who would just pass a toy over to a demanding peer to avoid a fight, children whose grandparents picked them up after a long absence and they’d just wince in their arms as they were hugged, and I vowed to learn and teach better.
There are so many little things we can do in our daily encounters with children to help them feel confident not only in their bodies, but by speaking about their bodies. From modeling with clear language when you see something, “Leon, it looks like your body is feeling very squeezy at circle. You can always go move to another spot with more room,” or “I know you’ve missed your sister all day, but her body is showing you that she doesn’t want a hug right now. Do you see how she is shaking her head and putting her arms out?”
This also means doing this with your family members during the Holidays. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends and other family members may be gregarious, loud and physically affectionate, but your child may not be. When we tell children that they must or they have to hug, kiss or otherwise show physical affection to others, especially adults, we are giving them the message that adults have more ownership of their bodies than they do. By saying things like, “Grandma will be sad if you don’t hug her before she leaves,” we are not only shaming children, but we are telling them that not only are Grandma’s feelings their responsibility, which they are unequivocally not, but that they have to use their bodies to make adults feel good.
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